


:.mønths.: jøshler

by whorror_jpeg



Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Angst, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-20
Updated: 2016-07-20
Packaged: 2018-07-25 16:10:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 49
Words: 5,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7539220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whorror_jpeg/pseuds/whorror_jpeg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the lights start to fade<br/>I want you to know<br/>that I love you so.<br/>----------------------------------------------<br/>Tyler, a boy with more problems than he can count, meets Josh, a guy with his own problems, meet unexpectedly. This story tells of the two, their ups, their downs, and how they get through some of their biggest problems. From Tyler's perspective until the Epilogue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. :.January, Week Øne.:

:.Day Øne.:

You probably don't remember me.  
It's okay  
I didn't say hi.  
I saw you at the New Years party.  
I wanted to talk  
but I haven't in awhile.  
Jenna told me I should  
but I just shook my head  
and continued watching you.

 

:.Day Twø.:

It scares me  
when I see  
those big brown eyes  
at my store.

 

:.Day Three.:

You work with me now  
and I don't know  
hot to feel about that.

 

:.Day Føur.:

The thing is  
you don't remember me  
and I'm afraid  
that if I let you in  
you'll forget me  
all over again.

 

:.Day Five.:

You said hi to me today.  
I didn't.

 

:.Day Six.:

I was scared  
but waved to you today.  
It felt nice.

 

:.Day Seven.:

I learned your name.  
It's Josh.  
I wrote that mine was Tyler.  
You asked if you could call me TyJo  
and I was okay with it.  
I've never had a nickname before.


	2. :.January, Week Twø:.

:.Day Eight.:

You asked me   
what my favorite color was.  
You giggled  
when I said  
pastels.  
I don't know why that was funny  
but your laugh is nice.

 

:.Day Nine.:

You came in the store   
with pastel purple hair.  
I wrote that I liked it  
very much  
and you said   
thanks.

 

:.Day Ten.:

You still  
haven't mentioned  
why I don't speak.  
...  
Thank you.

 

:.Day Eleven.:

You apologized  
when you saw  
under my bracelets.  
Don't be sorry  
for my stupidity.

 

:.Day Twelve.:

You walked in  
on me vomiting.  
You asked if I need help.  
I shook my head and ate a mint.

 

:.Day Thirteen.:

You seem wary  
of being around me.  
I'm sorry if I make you  
uncomfortable.

 

:.Day Føurteen.:

You asked me   
to go to the movies  
with you.  
You want to see Deadpool.  
I agree.  
I think we will.


	3. :.January, Week Three.:

:.Day Fifteen.:

We saw the movie today.  
It was funny when  
you shifted in your seat  
when Deadpool was having sex.  
It made me happy  
when you held my hand.

 

:.Day Sixteen.:

You offered to be an open ear.  
I declined.

 

:.Day Seventeen.:

Won't you go to someone else's head?

 

:.Day Eighteen.:

Please go torture  
someone else's sleep.

 

:.Day Nineteen.:

You told me  
you were gay  
and that  
you thought  
I was attractive  
in more ways than one.  
Josh  
what does it mean  
when you call someone   
an old soul?

 

:.Day Twenty.:

You said you really like me.  
I really  
like you too  
Josh.

 

:.Day Twenty Øne.:

You told me it's okay  
to cry in public.  
I don't think  
I've ever cried so hard  
on anyone else's   
shoulder.


	4. :.January, Week Føur.:

:.Day Twenty Twø.:

I want to be closer to you  
Josh.

 

:.Day Twenty Three.:

Please promise  
that you won't leave me  
like everyone else.  
Because they do  
and it makes me sad.

 

:.Day Twenty Føur.:

Why are your eyes  
so sad?  
They look like coffee beans  
drowned in water.  
Sad eyes don't fit you  
my friend.

 

:.Day Twenty Five.:

You don't talk much anymore.  
Are you leaving me  
like everyone else?

 

:.Day Twenty Six.:

Friend  
Please.  
You're scaring me.

 

:.Day Twenty Seven.:

You told me you can't live.  
I hugged you  
and cried with you.

 

:.Day Twenty Eight.:

You thanked me  
and asked me on a date  
for the thirtieth.  
I accepted.


	5. :.January & a Half.:

:.Day Twenty Nine.:

You got drunk last night.  
You texted me  
that you wanted to kill yourself.  
I asked you not to  
and instead to come over.

 

:.Day Thirty.:

You cry in your sleep  
and beg for salvation.  
May I be your salvation?  
You also fell off the bed   
this morning.  
I laughed out loud.  
You said you like my laugh.  
My neighbor beneath me  
asked if we could quiet down.  
I nodded and closed the door.

 

:.Day Thirty Øne.:

You seem better  
friend.


	6. :.February, Week Øne.:

:.Day Øne.:

You didn't come in for work  
but you were on the schedule.

 

:.Day Twø.:

You won't show up  
or text back.

 

:.Day Three.:

Where'd you go  
my ghost?

 

:.Day Føur.:

I went to your house  
without permission.  
I hope you don't mind.  
Why  
were there pills everywhere?  
Did you have a headache?

 

:.Day Five.:

The hospital called.  
You were admitted.  
I'm sorry I wasn't there for you.

 

:.Day Six.:

You won't talk.  
Please Josh.

 

:.Day Seven.:

Here's a thought;  
if one should die alone  
why do people mourn?  
Mourning is a part of the soul  
dying along with another.  
So why?


	7. :.February, Week Twø.:

:.Day Eight.:

You spoke today.  
"Get out, Tyler."

 

:.Day Nine.:

Why don't you want me?

 

:.Day Ten.:

I can't see straight.  
Please help me.  
Jenna doesn't  
Try as she might.

 

:.Day Eleven.:

The pills only made me sleepy.

 

:.Day Twelve.:

The cuts only made me dizzy.

 

:.Day Thirteen.:

The belt couldn't hold my body.

 

:.Day Førteen.:

Please call.


	8. :.February, Week Three.:

:.Day Fifteen.:

Why won't you reply?

 

:.Day Sixteen.:

Have I wronged you?

 

:.Day Seventeen.:

I hate you.

 

:.Day Eighteen.:

I hate you.  
I hate you.  
I hate you.

 

:.Day Nineteen.:

I miss you.

 

:.Day Twenty.:

It snowed today.  
I sat in the middle of the road.  
No one came.

 

:.Day Twenty Øne.:

You texted me "I'm sorry".  
Of course I replied.


	9. :.February, Week Føur.:

:.Day Twenty Twø.:

You came over tonight.  
We watched Finding Nemo and Monsters Inc.  
All you did was cry.

 

:.Day Twenty Three.:

You can't come back to work.  
Not yet at least.  
The doctors want your tummy a bit better  
and your wrists closed more.

 

:.Day Twenty Føur.:

You kissed me.  
I've never been kissed.  
It felt nice.  
You were sad because I didn't kiss back.  
Of course I didn't  
Silly Jishwa.  
I don't know how to kiss.

 

:.Day Twenty Five.:

You look awkward in the store.

 

:.Day Twenty Six.:

I helped you dye your hair  
pastel blue.

 

:.Day Twenty Seven.:

I kissed you.

 

:.Day Twenty Eight.:

We made out  
in the back room.


	10. :.February & a Half.:

:.Day Twenty Nine.:

You're so warm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> takes place in 2016, therefore 29 days in February.


	11. :.March, Week Øne.:

:.Day Øne.:

Don't leave my head.

 

:.Day Twø.:

Stay a little longer.

 

:.Day Three.:

You said  
we should make things official.  
I don't understand.

 

:.Day Føur.:

You want to be  
my boyfriend.

 

:.Day Five.:

Jenna encourages me to be  
yours.  
Jishwa  
What's an OTP?  
What's a Ship?  
I don't think it's a boat...  
I am utterly confused.

 

:.Day Six.:

"Yes."  
I don't know which part  
you got excited over the most:  
The fact that I said yes  
or the fact that I said anything?

 

:.Day Seven.:

Jenna has a girlfriend named Debby.  
She's very nice.


	12. :.March, Week Twø.:

:.Day Eight.:

My next door neighbor called me a faggot  
today.  
What's that?

 

:.Day Nine.:

I guess people don't appreciate  
love  
anymore.

 

:.Day Ten.:

I like kissing you  
Joshua.

 

:.Day Eleven.:

You are most beautiful  
when you are  
this happy.

 

:.Day Twelve.:

I made you a flower crown   
in the meadow  
just off the road  
in the middle of the woods.   
You wore it the whole day  
even in the village  
but  
that wasn't my favorite accessory.  
It was your smile.

 

:.Day Thirteen.:

Jenna took a picture of us  
and put it on Instagram.  
There were a lot of bad comments.  
Are you sure we're doing a good thing  
Josh?

 

:.Day Førteen.:

"We're doing what makes us happy, baby boy. That's all that matters. Everyone else can stick their opinions up their asses."  
"That sounds painful."  
"Good."


	13. :.March, Week Three.:

:.Day Fifteen.:

I want you  
Josh.

 

:.Day Sixteen.:

Come a little closer  
and tell me  
what it is  
that you like about me.

 

:.Day Seventeen.:

You started spending   
the night  
more often.  
"I'm not scared at night or in the morning anymore."

 

:.Day Eighteen.:

"I had a dream, TyJo. We lived together. Had a beautiful house, a baby, a puppy, and two cats."  
I want to make your dream come true  
Josh.

 

:.Day Nineteen.:

You said the same thing  
that you said  
in January:  
"I really like you, Tyler."

 

:.Day Twenty.:

You keep apologizing  
and I don't know why.

 

:.Day Twenty Øne.:

You let me sleep on your chest  
just so I could count your heartbeats  
instead of sheep  
in my sleep.


	14. :.March, Week Føur.:

:.Day Twenty Twø.:

You dressed me up  
as a cat today  
and took pictures  
while I was running away.  
You're so mean sometimes.

 

:.Day Twenty Three.:

You gripped my hips harshly  
and whispered in my ear  
"Baby, I need you.".

 

:.Day Twenty Føur.:

I need you too  
Josh

 

:.Day Twenty Five.:

You've broken that wall  
in my head  
that no one else could.  
When I was scared to get close  
but hated being alone  
and all I wanted  
was to feel  
completely numb  
to this ugly  
yet beautiful world.

 

:.Day Twenty Six.:

Keep in mind  
and use discretion  
that Blurry's neither friend  
nor me  
and I need your help  
to take him out.

 

:.Day Twenty Seven.:

Am I a bad person?

 

:.Day Twenty Eight.:

Blurry doesn't like you.  
It's okay  
cause I do.


	15. :.March & a Half.:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for mention of assault

:.Day Twenty Nine.:

I'm sorry if I   
seem distant lately.  
It's hurting to talk again.

 

:.Day Thirty.:

We went to a bar together  
and got separated.  
I'm sorry I'm not strong enough.  
I screamed for help  
but no one did  
and I just laid there in fear  
when he was done.

 

:.Day Thirty Øne.:

You asked me what's wrong.  
I broke down in tears.


	16. :.April, Week Øne.:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for self harm

:.Day Øne.:

You want me to talk again  
but I can't.  
It's impossible to speak   
when one is so impure.

 

:.Day Twø.:

You've started crying in your sleep   
again.

 

:.Day Three.:

You told me to   
hold on till  
May.

 

:.Day Føur.:

Joshua  
I don't know if I can.

 

:.Day Five.:

I haven't left the apartment   
in a week  
and it's killing me.

 

:.Day Six.:

I haven't eaten  
in a week and a day  
and it's killing me.

 

:.Day Seven.:

I haven't slept  
in a week and two days  
and it's killing me.


	17. :.April, Week Twø.:

:.Day Eight.:

Everything  
is   
killing  
me  
JOSH MAKE IT STOP PLEASE   
OH GOD.

 

:.Day Nine.:

You fell to your knees  
and wrapped your muscular arms  
around my legs  
and bawled.

 

:.Day Ten.:

I lost my job.  
I'm sorry.

 

:.Day Eleven.:

You're all  
that I've ever wanted  
and needed.

 

:.Day Twelve.:

I told Jenna.  
She broke down in tears  
and wouldn't let me leave.

 

:.Day Thirteen.:

You said we should   
break things off for a bit.  
That night  
I contemplated my life  
with an empty bed  
that now seems too big  
for fit.

 

:.Day Førteen.:

There's no monsters under my head.  
Instead  
they're in my head.


	18. :.April, Week Three.:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for mentions of rape

:.Day Fifteen.:

I want to tell you  
Josh.

 

:.Day Sixteen.:

Life isn't worth living  
if all you do   
is be sad.  
Josh  
I don't wanna be sad.  
I want my life  
to mean something.

 

:.Day Seventeen.:

I've been making music.  
It sounds happy  
but it's really sad.

 

:.Day Eighteen.:

Can you play the drums  
Josh?  
I can  
barely  
but I can.  
It's hard.

 

:.Day Nineteen.:

I'm holding on  
Josh.  
Hopefully later than  
May.

 

:.Day Twenty.:

I texted you  
that I'm ready to talk.  
You said tomorrow.

 

:.Day Twenty Øne.:

I had Jenna with me.  
Debby knew  
But didn't want to invade.  
That was nice of her.  
In that moment  
that Jenna made my sentence legible  
on tear soaked paper  
and you heard the infamous word  
'rape'  
you stared  
and stared   
and then broke down into millions   
and millions  
of pieces  
asking for forgiveness  
and begged for me to take you back.  
Of course I will  
Joshua.  
You're my favorite person  
and best friend.  
You fell asleep  
with my head in your lap  
after hours  
of you shamelessly kissing  
all over my face.


	19. :.April, Week Føur.:

:.Day Twenty Twø.:

"I missed you."  
"I missed you too, Josh."

 

:.Day Twenty Three.:

It was sentences like  
"Can you pass the salt, baby boy?"  
and times where I dyed your hair  
pastel pink by accident  
that I cherish the most.

 

:.Day Twenty Føur.:

You got super mad  
when you spilled Cheerios  
all inside your car  
and had to vacuum it later.

 

:.Day Twenty Five.:

You fell asleep in my car  
I drove the whole time.  
I just avoided the holes so you'd sleep fine.  
You needed the sleep.

 

:.Day Twenty Six.:

You met my parents  
and I met your mom.  
I didn't ask where your dad was.  
I had a good idea.

 

:.Day Twenty Seven.:

"Goodnight, baby."  
"G'night, love."

 

:.Day Twenty Eight.:

"I love you Tyler Joseph."  
"I love you too, Joshua Dun."


	20. :.April & a Half.:

:.Day Twenty Nine.:

"Josh."  
"What?"  
"We should go somewhere."  
"Where?"  
"Anywhere."

 

:.Day Thirty.:

"Hey, Jish."  
"Yeah?"  
"I held on till May."


	21. :.May, Week Øne.:

:.Day Øne.:

Today marks the day  
that I haved lived  
to the day of your request.  
Now  
I'm going to hold on till next May.  
And the one after that.  
And the one after that,  
and so on  
and so forth.

 

:.Day Twø.:

You are   
my one and only   
favorite person  
in the universe.  
You deserve   
all the love  
in the world.

 

:.Day Three.:

"Josh, can I tell you something?"  
"Shoot."  
"I love you, and I don't think I'd be here right now if it weren't for you."  
"Me too, TyJo."

 

:.Day Føur.:

Sunday's are better now.  
We call them lazy days.  
When you call them that  
it makes me think  
of cuddling all day  
eating chinese takeout  
and watching movies.

 

:.Day Five.:

"Let's get a cat."  
"What the hell?"  
"You dressed me as one that one time! I just thought..."  
"This is why I love you."

 

:.Day Six.:

BlurryFace  
doesn't talk to me anymore.

 

:.Day Seven.:

Your friend Brendon came over today.  
I like him.  
He's nice  
and funny  
and inviting  
even though he's a bit too rambunctious and loud  
for my comfort zone.  
Thank you  
for helping me make  
new friends.


	22. :.May, Week Twø.:

:.Day Eight.:

Jenna and Debby  
wanna go in public  
on a 'Fa-group date'  
(Jenna's words, not mine).  
We agreed.  
What was odd though  
was that I  
was the first one to agree.  
What have you been doing to me  
silly Jishwa?

 

:.Day Nine.:

Today  
we came home from the date.  
When we went inside  
you started kissing me  
and pushed me against the wall  
and asked to make love with me  
for the first time  
...  
I don't think I've ever given  
such a vulgar yes.

 

:.Day Ten.:

I woke up  
to see your smiling face  
staring at me  
and your hand   
running along  
my bare body.

 

:.Day Eleven.:

"You know how you said you wanted to go somewhere?"  
"Mhm?"  
"I thought of buying plane tickets to South Korea. What do you think."  
"OH MY GOD YES."

 

:.Day Twelve.:

We bought the tickets today.   
We're heading out tomorrow.

 

:.Day Thirteen.:

We rushed on the plane this morning because you absolutely  
had to get  
Starbucks.

 

:.Day Førteen.:

The stars shine so brightly when you're in the sky.  
They must like you.


	23. :.May, Week Three.:

:.Day Fifteen.:

You got us in at Onyang Hot Spring Hotel  
It's so beautiful  
Josh.

 

:.Day Sixteen.:

The illuminating lights  
the warmth surrounding us  
even though  
it's a little cold outside.

 

:.Day Seventeen.:

The Korean people   
don't like us much  
but that's okay.  
I like us.

 

:.Day Eighteen.:

You wrapped a blanket around me   
as I was falling asleep  
and picked me up  
to put me in bed.

 

:.Day Nineteen.:

"Oh Tyler- God your mouth is perfect."  
"Agh, shit Ty, I'm close."  
"I love you baby boy."  
"Sleep tight."

 

:.Day Twenty.:

There was a kitten   
waiting patiently  
on our rooms porch.  
You picked it up  
and have decided that you're bringing it home.  
You took a picture  
and sent it to everyone-  
everyone.

 

:.Day Twenty Øne.:

The ride home  
was cozy.  
No one even knew   
we had that little kitten  
in your jacket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://www.scottishfoldlove.com/scottish-fold-munchkin-kittens-for-sale/  
> is the cat that i used for this chapter.


	24. :.May, Week Føur.:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning

:.Day Twenty Twø.:

You named our kitten  
TyJo.

 

:.Day Twenty Three.:

It's impossible  
to not be happy  
while you're around.

 

:.Day Twenty Føur.:

Jenna came over today  
and told us some really bad news  
...  
Debby had made   
a permanent decision  
for things that would've ended on their own.

:.Day Twenty Five.:

There wasn't anything to do  
in order to save Debby.  
We called her family

because Jenna was crying too much.

 

:.Day Twenty Six.:

Debby's family came  
and planned out her funeral.

 

:.Day Twenty Seven.:

At the stand,  
You admitted to dating Debby   
before you both came out as  
homosexual.

 

:.Day Twenty Eight.:

We found Debby's suicide note.


	25. :.May & a Half.:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning; suicide note.

:.Day Twenty Nine.:

We refuse to read her note  
until Jenna comes out of her apartment.  
Until then;  
we keep it at home  
untouched.

 

:.Day Thirty.:

You decided  
that you wanted to move in with me  
so I wouldn't make the same mistake  
that Debby did.

 

:.Day Thirty Øne.:

Jenna came over today  
and helped unpack.  
"My friends and family.  
I'm sorry to say that I couldn't be the strong person you desired me to be.  
I just wanted to be happy, but I'd look around and see lives and happiness that I'd never be able to achieve. I'm sorry, but this world is just not my place.I've tried so long to fix myself, but I've come to realize that this world is full of hate and sin. There's nothing for me here, I'm just a waste of space and I have no reason to stay with this awful race and generation.  
Mom, Dad, Chase;  
I'm sorry. I'll see you when your time comes.  
Josh and Tyler;  
Thank you for trying.  
Jenna;  
Thank you for loving me. Please don't give up like I did, just remember everyone is facing their own fight. Baby, I couldn't deal with it- I'm not a fighter. If anything, I hope this will bring some strength and light to your life. You'll make it through the night, just hug my pillow tighter.  
You guys are the best friends that I've ever had, and I'm sorry that I'll make you so sad. Just remember that you are all the people that I needed and that you meant everything to me. I know in a year, on this day at this time, you will forget that I even existed because I'm not something to really be dwelled on.  
I'm running out of space to write, this is it, I guess.  
Goodbye..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On the very last day, I incorporated my own suicide note from when I was younger (and still identified as female). This chapter was excruciating to write and very, very personal.  
> Please. Don't read the last day if you know it'll trigger you.  
> If you're having negative thoughts, please talk to me. I'll help you, we can talk this out. You do not have to make a permanent choice for things that will go away.


	26. :.June, Week Øne.:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning; car accident

:.Day Øne.:

You went out last night.  
You haven't come back.

 

:.Day Twø.:

I got a call  
12:41 a.m.

 

:.Day Three.:

Glass cuts stained   
your porcelain face.  
A man   
named Patrick  
came in   
and apologized too much.  
It's a little too early to be thinking  
of who rammed into your car.

 

:.Day Føur.:

You still haven't woken up.

 

:.Day Five.:

Jenna and Brendon   
brought balloons  
and a teddy bear.  
Jenna watched over Josh  
while Brendon took me to the cafeteria to eat.

 

:.Day Six.:

You've woken up.  
You whispered that it hurts to talk.  
I told you that you didn't have to talk  
But instead you asked me to sing you a lullaby.

 

:.Day Seven.:

Quit sleeping.  
I miss your coffee bean eyes  
stupid head.


	27. :.June, Week Twø.:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning; can't say

:.Day Eight.:

Dr. Sage pulled me aside today.  
She told me  
in the kindest voice possible  
that your heart was having trouble.  
That your heart was having trouble before  
but your heart is getting worse because of the wreck.

 

:.Day Nine.:

You're diagnosed with a cancerous cardiac tumor.  
Treatable  
yes.  
But like everything  
it can spread.  
And that scares me to no end.

 

:.Day Ten.:

"Why didn't you tell me you had heart trouble?"  
"I didn't know."  
"Don't give me that."  
"Tyler. I swear I didn't know."

 

:.Day Eleven.:

The doctor told me to go home for a bit.  
That'd it'd be a while till you get better.  
I'm so scared, Josh.  
I'm so, so scared.

 

:.Day Twelve.:

The hospital doesn't think  
your cancer has spread.  
They're removing it now.

 

:.Day Thirteen.:

I came down to the hospital today.  
You weren't smiling.  
Why not?

:.Day Føurteen.:

"I'm sicker than the doctors thought, Ty."


	28. :.June, Week Three.:

:.Day Fifteen.:

Stage three heart cancer  
is my new Blurryface.  
A reminder of the real world.  
A reminder that nothing perfect can stay  
and that your heart will stick to a cross.

 

:.Day Sixteen.:

You have to stay a bit longer.  
They wanna make sure you're not gonna have complications  
AKA die.  
You'll start treatment soon.

 

:.Day Seventeen.:

That's fine.  
I didn't need to sleep anyway.  
Thanks Brain.

 

:.Day Eighteen.:

I wrapped myself  
in your jacket and socks  
because you're still not here.

 

:.Day Nineteen.:

"Hey baby boy. The doc said I can come home. I'll give you more info when I get home, yeah?"  
"Okay... I'm on my way, Jish."

 

:.Day Twenty.:

"I'm so sorry it had to be this way, sweetheart."  
you said as I cried into your shoulder.

 

:.Day Twenty Øne.:

Everything was so perfect.  
What happened?


	29. :.June, Week Føur.:

:.Day Twenty Twø.:

"If you could turn back time, would you?"  
"Nope."  
"Why not?"  
"Because... It's hard to explain. I mean, all these days are unexplainably perfect. Even if I am sick, you're right by my side, talking to me about life's meaningless queries and everything, and that's how I like it. Let things happen that are already bound to happen, yeah?"  
"... I'd visit times when Momma would sing me to sleep. Those were nice... But I'd bring you along with me."  
You laughed and ruffled my hair  
bit back the pain in your chest.  
It hurt me too.

 

:.Day Twenty Three.:

I wrote a song for you.  
It's not all that good  
...   
But  
I'll show it to you soon.

 

:.Day Twenty Føur.:

Can you hear  
the sound of my heart  
encouraging your heart?

 

:.Day Twenty Five.:

Your mom came into town today  
she's been trying  
but hadn't had the time  
until recently.

 

:.Day Twenty Six.:

I finished showing my song to you  
in the safety of our lone apartment.  
You looked up at me   
with those now   
watered down coffee bean eyes  
and gave   
the brightest smile you've ever given.

 

:.Day Twenty Seven.:

I hope your doctor appointment went well.

 

:.Day Twenty Eight.:

You asked me   
if you died  
to write your obituary.  
No.  
Because you won't die.


	30. :.June & A Half.:

:.Day Twenty Nine.:

You asked me if I wanted your heart and lungs and brain  
when you die.  
No. 

 

:.Day Thirty.:  
I already have a heart  
I don't need another.  
It won't pump blood anymore  
nor will it keep your soul intact.  
Your lungs   
will just be disintegrated birthday balloons  
from a party   
that I don't want to be invited to.  
Your brain won't hold all the   
brilliant thoughts  
and memories  
of our 'I love you's  
that I will already always   
be engraved into   
my mind  
can't ever make contact to yours again.  
Don't ask if I want your cremated hands in a necklace.  
Your hands will only choke me.  
Don't ask if I want your eyes.  
They won't be the coffee beans   
I want to wake up to every morning.  
Don't give me your dead body.  
It's a mock of the love and passion we feel in our bed.  
I refuse to sleep with a ghost.  
If you do leave something behind.  
Be it one last   
"I love you."  
or a simple smile.


	31. :.July, Week Øne.:

:.Day Øne.:

All it does anymore  
is rain in July.

 

:.Day Twø.:

"Why are you staring at me?"  
"Because you've got a pretty face."  
"Shush you. Go back to sleep, you have an appointment tomorrow."

 

:.Day Three.:

We went to Taco Bell  
for lunch today.  
You got so much food in your beard.

 

:.Day Føur.:

YOUR FACE LOOKS NAKED!  
WHY WOULD YOU SHAVE?!  
NO!

 

:.Day Five.:

"Are you pouting?"  
"...Maybe..."  
"Why?"  
"You shaved."

 

:.Day Six.:

"I just wanna make you feel good, Ty."  
"Y-you're sick though..."  
"My sickness has nothing to do with the back of my throat."

 

:.Day Seven.:

You made me breakfast  
but screwed it up.  
So we went to IHop.


	32. :.July, Week Twø.:

:.Day Eight.:

"So, have you two been sexually active?"  
"... Nope! Not at all!"  
"Very well, then."  
3 hours later  
"I can't believe you lied to your doctor..."  
"Sucking your dick has nothing to do with my health."

 

:.Day Nine.:

We watched a gay movie last night  
called "The Way He Looks".  
It was beautiful  
and Brazilian.

 

:.Day Ten.:

My old friend Gerard  
came over last night  
with his boyfriend Frank.  
We went out for dinner  
to Pluckers  
simply because I wanted boneless wings.

 

:.Day Eleven.:

I shouldn't have eaten the boneless wings...

 

:.Day Twelve.:

I beat you at mario cart.  
You finally gave up  
took my controller  
and kissed me instead.

 

:.Day Thirteen.:

We found a YouTuber  
named Brandon Rogers.

 

:.Day Føurteen.:

"Eat my arse."  
"Suck my dick."  
"But I am aregic to shwimp."  
"Tyler I swear, if you ever tell me that-"  
"I won't!"


	33. :.July, Week Three.:

:.Day Fifteen.:

I've gotten paid leave  
from the music store.  
I'm now working a bit online.  
You surprised me by coming up behind me and biting my ear  
kissing my neck   
and then kissed my lips.  
It ended in tangled sheet  
and sweaty bodies.

 

:.Day Sixteen.:

Catching you masturbating  
is by far  
the sexiest thing I've ever seen.  
Finishing you off is completely different   
however.

 

:.Day Seventeen.:

Sleep tends to chase me  
but I can't let it in  
knowing your state.

 

:.Day Eighteen.:

You haven't really been feeling better.  
Have you.

 

:.Day Nineteen.:

After your check up  
I talked to your doctor.  
"Mr. Joseph, depression is all a part of cancer. You just need to be there for him. He loves you, a lot. You make him very happy. No better medicine than love, yeah?"  
"Yeah..."

:.Day Twenty.:

You made the   
awful decision  
of watching  
The Fault In Our Stars.

 

:.Day Twenty Øne.:

We decided to never watch   
The Fault In Our Stars   
again.  
We started watching Damien though.


	34. :.July, Week Føur.:

:.Day Twenty Twø.:

Something really bad  
happened today.  
You had to go to the hospital again.

 

:.Day Twenty Three.:

I can't even stay with you.

 

:.Day Twenty Føur.:

I can't sleep again.  
I've been delusional.  
Delusional enough to think you'd get better soon.  
Delusional enough to wear your hoodie and just my underwear   
and run around the apartment.

 

:.Day Twenty Five.:

TyJo misses you.  
She curls up next to me  
because she knows when I'm crying  
and she can smell you on the hoodie I stole.

 

:.Day Twenty Six.:

I've relapsed   
back into something  
you knew I had  
since the very beginning.

 

:.Day Twenty Seven.:

"I'm scared I might do something bad, Jen..."  
"Do you wanna stay over?"  
"No."  
"Do you want me to come over?"  
"Not really..."  
"Then what do you want?"  
I started sobbing  
"I want Josh back. I want him better."

 

:.Day Twenty Eight.:

I dyed my hair pink   
to raise awareness of your condition.  
So far  
Gerard  
Jenna  
Frank  
Brendon  
and Ryan  
my mom  
your mom  
and yes  
even my dad  
have all dyed their hair in some shape or form.


	35. :.Øctøber, Week Three.:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, time has passed. A lot. This is Tyler's journal, I guess you could say, so you'll soon find the effect of what Josh being in the hospital really did to him sooner or later. In my head, Tyler gave up writing, and then Josh came home and he started writing again.

:.Day Fifteen.:

It's been nearly 3 months  
of getting better  
recovery  
and hair growing  
and now you're here  
lying in bed with me  
watching Netflix on your laptop  
watching some dumb chick flick  
and there's nothing I would change.

 

:.Day Sixteen.:

There's a scar on your chest  
longer than my fist.

 

:.Day Seventeen.:

You stare at me  
and pet my face.  
We're so beautiful now  
and everything's okay.

 

:.Day Eighteen.:

I don't think I've heard you laugh  
so hard  
until you cry.  
I didn't think my burp was that loud  
...

 

:.Day Nineteen.:

You had a follow-up today.  
You came out smiling  
such a big  
and dorky grin.  
I love you  
so  
so much  
Josh.

 

:.Day Twenty.:

I could never forget  
the color of your eyes.  
Please  
never forget mine.

 

:.Day Twenty Øne.:

"Think about it, Ty! I made it! I got through cancer and-"  
"Shhhhhhhh! You'll jinx it!"


	36. :.Øctøber, Week Føur.:

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning; self harm and homophobia

:.Day Twenty Twø.:

You surprised me  
by coming up behind me  
while I was cooking french toast  
for breakfast.  
You wrapped your arms around me   
and softly kissed my neck  
while I continued cooking.

 

:.Day Twenty Three.:

I used to think  
home was where you ate dinner  
and are surrounded by family.  
But now  
maybe home   
is just two arms   
wrapped around you   
when you're at your worst. 

 

:.Day Twenty Føur.:

"Baby boy, I need to ask you something."  
"Mhm?"  
"Can I see your arms?"

 

:.Day Twenty Five.:

"I'm sorry."  
"I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you."  
"You were in the hospital, Josh."

 

:.Day Twenty Six.:

"Maybe we could find you a therapist?"  
"And with what money would we pay them?"  
"Uh...Um... I... Shut up."

 

:.Day Twenty Seven.:

"You feel a lot lighter than before I was hospitalized."  
"Stuff happens, I guess."  
You sighed and stopped talking.

 

:.Day Twenty Eight.:

You took me out to dinner  
to a super fancy restaurant.  
There were stares  
and comments  
but that's okay.  
We had each other.  
And when the waiter made a comment  
you simply said  
"Do you want our fucking money, or do you want to continue to live this shithole of a life?"  
He left us alone and served us properly.


	37. :.Øctøber & a Half.:

:.Day Twenty Nine.:

You distract me  
but I'm distracted without you.

 

:.Day Thirty.:

"Jish."  
"Hm?"  
"YOU'RE SICK AS FRICK!"  
"Calm down, Ty."  
"Aw, okay."

 

:.Day Thirty Øne.:

I counted the stars on your back  
last night  
and attempted to memorize them.


	38. :.Nøvember, Week Øne.:

:.Day Øne.:

The most intimate thing   
you can do  
is hold my hand  
and hum  
while we take a bath together.

 

:.Day Twø.:

Jenna came over today.  
We had sea bass and lemon sauce cream  
courtesy of you.  
I never knew you could cook that well.

 

:.Day Three.:

TyJo bit my nose today.

 

:.Day Føur.:

The little things   
are bigger to me now.  
I'm obviously not talking about your penis.

 

:.Day Five.:

Jenna started talking to a girl  
named Melanie.  
She's super cute.

 

:.Day Six.:

A bird flew into our apartment today.  
I didn't know what to do.

 

:.Day Seven.:

"I swear to God, Josh, if you take up the whole blanket again, I'm banning you to the couch."  
"I left you a corner."  
"YOU TOOK THAT TOO."


	39. :.Nøvember, Week Twø.:

:.Day Eight.:

I spilled my chocolate milk  
on your pants today.  
I cried.  
I just wanted to drink my Yahoo.  
You just laughed and changed.

 

:.Day Nine.:

Your beard is coming in very nicely.

 

:.Day Ten.:

Through everything we've gone through  
you're still my best friend  
and I love you.

 

:.Day Eleven.:  
Walking on the streets can be embarrassing  
to you at least.  
I point at every dog.

 

:.Day Twelve.:

We went to a pet store   
to get a dog today.

 

:.Day Thirteen.:

Meet Sawyer.

 

:.Day Føurteen.:

We should've known TyJo would antagonize Sawyer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.google.com/search?q=husky+mixed+with+pitbull&tbm=isch&tbs=simg:CAQSkwEJ2GHNg9gwAuwahwELEKjU2AQaAAwLELCMpwgaYgpgCAMSKOsLzQuBBf4OowXOC_10O8wqrD4MFmy2aLfwptiT5P8A6xyC4JLUkuiQaMJhdGr74EQK5JSphCuCtNQM30a3MXIXql10EDG6fdr_1dDRE9cBreV2fTRHkzQifXNSADDAsQjq7-CBoKCggIARIEmdN7tgw&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwicwqyv94LOAhXEQSYKHYnnDHMQwg4IGygA&biw=1455&bih=705
> 
> this is Sawyer


	40. :.Nøvember, Week Three.:

:.Day Fifteen.:

"Sawyer, you saucy boy!"  
"Did you just call Sawyer saucy?"  
"Mhm."  
"Why?"  
"Don't you read Shakespeare?"  
"No...?"  
"Loser."  
"You're the one with bright pink hair!"

 

:.Day Sixteen.:

You dyed your hair to   
dark blue  
but you forgot to wear gloves  
so everything literally is blue  
your hair  
your hands  
your jeans  
and your Zoloft.

 

:.Day Seventeen.:

You look like you choked a smurf.

 

:.Day Eighteen.:

The stupid blue dye on  
your stupid blue hand  
is stupidly fading.

 

:.Day Nineteen.:

The dye on your hands is gone.

 

:.Day Twenty.:

We went to my family's home  
to celebrate Thanksgiving.

 

:.Day Twenty Øne.:

Happy Turkey Day, Josh.


	41. :.Nøvember, Week Føur.:

:.Day Twenty Twø.:

When the lights start to fade  
I want you to know  
that I love you so.

 

:.Day Twenty Three.:

Why are you so secretive all of the sudden?

 

:.Day Twenty Føur.:

"Nothing you can know about yet, smol bean."

 

:.Day Twenty Five.:

We did one of those stupid  
dog-eats-like-human  
videos.  
Poor Sawyer.

 

:.Day Twenty Six.:

We went to the lake today

and rented a boat.  
Jen and Mel came along with us  
as did Sawyer.  
You got chased and bit by a mean 'ol goose.

 

:.Day Twenty Seven.:

YOU PINCHED MY NINNY!!!  
WHY?!?!?

 

:.Day Twenty Eight.:

"I'm sorry 'bout yesterday. I made you food."


	42. :.Nøvember & a Half.:

:.Day Twenty Nine.:

"Bend me over and fuck me senseless."  
"Holy shit, okay, Tyler."

 

:.Day Thirty.:

My butt hurts  
...


	43. :.December, Week Øne.:

:.Day Øne.:

We put up the tree today.

 

:.Day Twø.:

You almost fell off of the ladder  
while putting lights on the ceiling.

 

:.Day Three.:

We made Christmas cookies today.  
It turned into something a bit more intimate  
but we made cookies today.

 

:.Day Føur.:

We went to a cafe  
and brought Sawyer with us.  
He was in a sweater.

 

:.Day Five.:

TyJo hates her new sweater.  
She keeps falling.

 

:.Day Six.:

We went to see Kidnap  
which was released on the second  
but we waited till today.

 

:.Day Seven.:

"You're sleeping on the couch."  
"I DIDN'T TAKE THE BLANKET AGAIN!!"  
"YES YOU DID!!"


	44. :.December, Week Twø.:

:.Day Eight.:

You shaved as revenge for   
my making you sleep on the couch.

 

:.Day Nine.:

We went to see   
The Bye Bye Man.  
I cried  
and made you cuddle extra close to me.

 

:.Day Ten.:

"Morning, scaredy cat."  
"I hate you."

 

:.Day Eleven.:  
Your scruff came back.

 

:.Day Twelve.:

I'm pretty sure our house is haunted.

 

:.Day Thirteen.:

There's a dark shadow following me.

 

:.Day Føurteen.:

I woke to scratches on my back   
and they were definitely not from you.


	45. :.December, Week Three.:

:.Day Fifteen.:

We put presents under the tree today.  
From you  
from me  
to us  
to you  
to me.

 

:.Day Sixteen.:

WE SAW ROGUE ONE AND IT WAS SICK AS FRICK.

 

:.Day Seventeen.:

The manager at Hot Topic checked you out.  
Not literally.  
He looked at your butt.  
That's my butt.  
No one else's.

 

:.Day Eighteen.:

You let me top tonight.

 

:.Day Nineteen.:

There are way too many hickeys on your skin.  
Oh well  
I made my point.

 

:.Day Twenty.:

I hate Christmas carols.  
You love them.  
You also like to annoy the frick out of me with them.

 

:.Day Twenty Øne.:

ASSASSIN'S  
FRICKIN  
CREED.


	46. :.December, Week Føur.:

:.Day Twenty Twø.:

I made   
the awful mistake  
of scaring you.

 

:.Day Twenty Three.:

Our uninvited guest doesn't show as much.  
He likes mirrors though.

 

:.Day Twenty Føur.:

"If I'm smol bean, what are you?"  
"Sick as frick alien boy."  
"Oh."

 

:.Day Twenty Five.:

We exchanged gifts.   
When I opened the smallest one  
you got on your knees  
and took the box.  
The words  
"Marry me?"  
fogging through your mouth.

 

:.Day Twenty Six.:

We had everyone gather at a nice restaurant  
and told the news.  
Everyone was so happy.

 

:.Day Twenty Seven.:

"God, I love you so much, baby boy."  
"You mean the world to me."

 

:.Day Twenty Eight.:

The black shadow follows you now.


	47. :.December & a Half.:

:.Day Twenty Nine.:

Hot tea   
and a cold winter day  
is such a beautiful kind of day.  
Especially when your lover   
is laying their head   
in your lap  
snoring quietly.

 

:.Day Thirty.:

I found a note   
in my handwriting  
under my mattress today.  
I'll wait until tomorrow to read it.

 

:.Day Thirty Øne.:

"It's been reported that some victims of torture or comas, during the act, would retreat into a world of fantasy from which they could not wake up. In this catatonic state, the victims lived in a world just like their normal one, except they weren't in a negative situation. The mind of the victim would often try to wake up the victim by leaving hints around the victim's world to help them realize that they were asleep. Sometimes, even after the victim knew what was going on they would still refuse to   
please  
wake up."


	48. :.Epiløgue pt.1.:

Tyler sat up quickly  
his face contorted in that of horror.  
The last thing he remembered   
was his body being taken over in the long mirror.  
The shadow wasn't a ghost.  
It was him.  
Josh was the ghost.  
He turned  
looking at the man in the medical robe  
and began crying.  
Was it all a dream?


	49. :.Epiløgue pt.2.:

It wasn't.  
Tyler knew that.  
It was the life he lived  
with his love  
until the moments leading up until the fall.

Josh's hand was on his thigh.  
His face turned to look at Tyler  
he took his eyes off the road  
and there was a light.

For a moment  
everything was calm   
and quiet.  
Josh's lips mouthed the words   
'I love you'  
and that was his final goodbye.


End file.
